Other Facts of Life Read online

  The blood drained from his face.

  Sitting on his desk was a coffin. Standing next to it, dressed in black, was Claire. Lying in it, his skin stained a deathly blue, was Ben.

  Ben sat up, opened his eyes and looked steadily at Ron. He lifted up a home-made gravestone which bore, in ghastly gothic lettering, the words,

  ‘Ron Guthrie. 1954–? Husband, father, meat.’

  Di, who for a moment had looked as if she might keel over from shock, lit up with a delighted smile and went over and stood on the other side of the coffin.

  Wal sheepishly shuffled over and stood next to Claire.

  Ron stared at them, his mouth open.

  Ben, Di, Claire and Wal stared back.

  Ron contemplated the battle ahead. He had an awful suspicion who was going to win.

  The Cutlet Queen was moored in sparkling blue water under a perfect blue sky.

  Di lay on the gently rocking deck feeling the sun soaking into her. She knew she was radiating something out as well.

  Happiness.

  She glanced over at Ron, who was stretched out between her and Claire. He looked tanned, healthy and content.

  She rolled over and nuzzled his ear.

  ‘At last,’ she murmured, ‘a normal family having a normal holiday.’

  Ron didn’t open his eyes.

  ‘Hope Wal’s remembered to turn up the freezers,’ he said.

  Di bit his ear.

  He opened his eyes.

  Di pointed up to the mast.

  Lashed to it was the home-made gravestone.

  Ron kissed Di on the chin.

  ‘Sorry,’ he said.

  He reached into her drink, plucked out an ice-cube, dropped it into Claire’s navel, waited for her to stop screaming, then called out in the direction of the cabin.

  ‘Come on, Ben, when are you going to tell us our mystery destination?’

  Ben bounced up from below decks with an armful of papers and charts. The breeze ruffled his hair.

  ‘Anywhere you like,’ said Ron, ‘as long as you do the charts and paperwork. Where’s it to be? Wollongong? Port Macquarie?’

  Ben dropped a bundle of papers onto Ron’s chest. There were various important-looking documents with rubber-stamp marks and embossed seals. Plus passports, a wad of banknotes in strange colours and a copy of Time magazine.

  Ron read the Time cover. ‘Third World – Helping Them To Help Themselves’.

  He looked up at Ben, puzzled.

  ‘Coffs Harbour?’

  Ben looked at him steadily.

  ‘Bangladesh.’

  While his stunned parents stammered for words to protest with, Ben winched up the anchor, fired up the diesel, took the wheel and, deaf to everything but the ecstatic throb of purpose in his veins, steered the boat out towards the open sea.

  Also by Morris Gleitzman

  PIZZA CAKE

  Save ten lives with a paperclip, make a new friend in a garbage bin, rescue your dad from a dog and a spider, eat a pizza that makes you fearless, and imagine a world where teachers earn more than a rock star . . . Funny stories with the lot.

  GIVE PEAS A CHANCE

  Surprise your mum with a chainsaw, save the world with a plate of veggies, rescue your family with a tomato, do a good deed with a bag on your head, upset your auntie with ten kilos of chocolate, swap a bomb for ice-creams on a train . . . Funny stories you’ll gobble up.

  DOUBTING THOMAS

  Thomas has an embarrassing secret. Is it a rare and special gift or the worst thing that could happen to a boy? A story about best friends, surprising adventures and itchy nipples.

  EXTRA TIME

  A young Aussie soccer genius and his 10-year-old manager take on the world. And win. For a time.

  TOO SMALL TO FAIL

  What do you do when your mum, your dad and sixteen camels are in trouble – and only you can save them? The sometimes sad but mostly funny story of a boy, a girl, a dog and four trillion dollars.

  LOYAL CREATURES

  They were loyal creatures, the men and horses of the Australian Light Horse, but war doesn’t always pay heed to loyalty. This is the powerful story of a 16-year-old volunteer and his horse in World War One and the journey towards his own kind of bravery.

  ONCE

  Once I escaped from an orphanage to find Mum and Dad. Once I saved a girl called Zelda from a burning house. Once I made a Nazi with a toothache laugh. My name is Felix. This is my story.

  THEN

  I had a plan for me and Zelda. Pretend to be someone else. Find new parents. Be safe forever. Then the Nazis came.

  AFTER

  After the Nazis took my parents I was scared. After they killed my best friend I was angry. After they ruined my thirteenth birthday I was determined. To get to the forest. To join forces with Gabriek and Yuli. To be a family. To defeat the Nazis after all.

  SOON

  I hoped the Nazis would be defeated. And they were. I hoped the war would be over. And it was. I hoped we would be safe. But we aren’t.

  NOW

  Once I didn’t know about my grandfather Felix’s scary childhood. Then I found out what the Nazis did to his best friend Zelda. Now I understand why Felix does the things he does. At least he’s got me. My name is Zelda too. This is our story.

  GRACE

  In the beginning there was me and Mum and Dad and the twins. And talk about happy families, we were bountiful. But it came to pass that I started doing sins. And lo, that’s when all our problems began.

  BOY OVERBOARD

  Jamal and Bibi have a dream. To lead Australia to soccer glory in the next World Cup. But first they must face landmines, pirates, storms and assassins. Can Jamal and his family survive their incredible journey and get to Australia?

  GIRL UNDERGROUND

  Bridget wants a quiet life. Including, if possible, keeping her parents out of prison. Then a boy called Menzies makes her an offer she can’t refuse and they set off on a job of their own. It’s a desperate, daring plan – to rescue two kids, Jamal and Bibi, from a desert detention centre. Can Bridget and Menzies pull off their very first jail break, or will they end up behind bars too?

  BUMFACE

  His mum calls him Mr Dependable, but Angus can barely cope. Another baby would be a disaster. So Angus comes up with a bold and brave plan to stop her getting pregnant. That’s when he meets Rindi. And Angus thought he had problems . . .

  WORM STORY

  Wilton has a bad feeling in his tummy. The one he lives in.

  Can one worm discover new worlds and save his friends from destruction? Wilton is about to find out.

  ARISTOTLE’S NOSTRIL

  Aristotle just wants to be happy. And, if possible, have the biggest adventure of his life. With no sneezing.

  Is that too much for a germ to ask?

  TOAD RAGE

  The epic and very funny story of one slightly squashed cane toad’s quest for the truth. You can also hop into Toad Heaven, Toad Away and Toad Surprise.

  ADULTS ONLY

  Jake is an only kid. He’s the only kid in his family. He’s the only kid on his island. Or that’s what he thinks.

  WATER WINGS

  Pearl needs a gran and she needs one now. Luckily she’s got Winston to help her. You can do anything when your best friend is the world’s brainiest guinea pig. Well, almost anything.

  TEACHER’S PET

  Ginger is allergic to cats. And possibly to her family as well. She’s also not keen on the cat food in her breakfast bowl or the school principal trying to kill her best friend. The question on everyone’s lips is - will Ginger snap?

  GIFT OF THE GAB

  It’s a normal week for Rowena Batts. A car full of stewed apples.

  A police cell. A struggle to keep Dad off national TV.

  Then her world turns upside down.

  THE OTHER FACTS OF LIFE

  Ben stared at the TV. He’d never seen anything like it. Fascinating. Incredible. Awful. He had to do something.


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  Penguin Books is part of the Penguin Random House group of companies

  whose addresses can be found at global.penguinrandomhouse.com.

  First published by McPhee Gribble Publishers, 1985

  First published by Penguin Australia Pty Ltd, 1990

  This edition published by Penguin Australia Pty Ltd, 2016

  Text copyright © Gleitzman McCaul Pty Ltd, 1985

  The moral right of the author has been asserted.

  All rights reserved. Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise), without the prior written permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of this book.

  Cover design by Tony Palmer © Penguin Australia Pty Ltd, 2016

  Cover illustration copyright Jeremy Ley, 2016

  puffin.com.au

  ISBN: 978-1-74228-493-4

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