Toad Away Read online

She was pouring a drink into a glass and talking to a couple of other humans who were wearing exactly the same clothes as her. Limpy realized they were uniforms. He'd seen humans wearing uniforms on bushwalks. Either the girl worked at the supermarket or she was a bus driver.

  Doesn't matter what her job is, thought Limpy excitedly. The important thing is she can teach me how to make friends with humans. Who knows where it might lead? Peace and friendship between humans and cane toads everywhere, for example. Including on picnics.

  The other uniformed people left the room, and the girl sat down and sipped her drink.

  Now, thought Limpy.

  He hopped into the room, holding out the slug sauce and the maggot moisturizer.

  Before he could catch the girl's attention, she put her drink down, stood up, and went to the other side of the room.

  Limpy waited patiently for her to turn around and see him. She was washing her hands at the sink.

  Good, thought Limpy. She'll probably need moisturizer after using soap. Goliath does whenever he eats some.

  The girl moved away from the sink and opened the door of a white cupboard that was making the same low rumbling noise Dad made when he snored. For a crazy moment Limpy thought the cupboard was full of sleeping cane toads. Then the girl reached in and took out a leg and started eating it.

  It was, Limpy saw with relief, a chicken leg, not a cane toad leg.

  The white cupboard must be full of sleeping chickens.

  The girl was also holding a carrot. She headed back toward the sink. Limpy opened his skin pores and took a deep breath through them so he'd be nice and relaxed when she saw him. As he did, he spotted something that made him clam them up again in panic.

  Charm was next to the table leg, waving to him frantically and pointing at something.

  Goliath.

  He was up on the girl's chair, hands on hips. Peeing into her drink.

  Limpy went weak at the warts. Before he could do anything, the girl turned and headed toward the chair, humming.

  Limpy shrank into the shadows under the table.

  Goliath dived for the door. Charm followed, frantically signaling for Limpy to come too.

  The girl sat down, took another bite of chicken leg, and picked up her drink.

  Limpy stared in horror. Then, praying his crook leg wouldn't send him spinning into the sink, he dropped the gifts and hopped onto the arm of the girl's chair and flung himself at the glass just as she was lifting it to her lips.

  Limpy smacked into the glass so hard he nearly swallowed his tongue and one of his eyelids.

  The glass spun through the air.

  So did Limpy.

  The glass landed on the floor and smashed.

  So did Limpy, except when he wiped the sticky liquid out of his eyes, he found he hadn't actually broken anything, he just felt like he had.

  He stood up, aching all over.

  The girl was on her feet, staring down at him.

  Limpy didn't hang around to say g'day. He tottered out the door and crawled through a pile of rubbish after Charm and Goliath.

  “Goliath,” he croaked, once they were out of the building and safe in the thick undergrowth at the back of the car park. “Why did you do that?”

  Goliath glared back toward the supermarket.

  “Because you've gone soft,” he growled. “Wasting time trying to make friends. If we're gunna win this war, we've got to hit those humans where it hurts. Pee in their drinks. Pee in their beds if we have to.”

  Limpy sighed. And not just because his cousin was an idiot. He was remembering the girl's angry face as she stared down at him, so furious she hadn't even noticed the bladders of sauce and moisturizer squashed under her shoes.

  It was the face of someone who'd never be his friend now, not even if sludge worms could fly.

  “I'm gunna train whole battalions of cane toads,” said Goliath, eyes shining. “And we're gunna pee in every dam, reservoir, and car radiator we can find.”

  “I think we should pick our targets more carefully,” said Charm, squirting pus at a pair of human trousers hanging on a washing line and hitting them right between the legs. “That way we won't hurt innocent bystanders. What do you reckon, Limpy?”

  Limpy didn't say anything. He was too busy trying to get the three of them safely across this human backyard, and the next one, until they were out of the human suburb and out of the hot sun and home in the swamp.

  “Don't be depressed, Limpy,” said Charm. “You did your best. It's not your fault your way didn't work.”

  “Luckily we've still got my way,” said Goliath.

  “Cream the mongrels.”

  “Keep hopping,” said Limpy, glancing anxiously at the house whose flower beds they were hurrying through. He didn't want an angry human spotting them and making Goliath depressed too. With a chain saw.

  Goliath gave a yell.

  “Look! Over there! A prisoner of war!”

  Limpy looked.

  In a cage was a small bird that was even more colorful than one of Mum's butterfly and wasp casseroles. The cage was hanging from one of those complicated revolving metal things that Goliath reckoned were high-tech military helicopters used by humans to kill cane toads. And to dry clothes.

  Goliath was wriggling across the lawn toward the cage on his stomach.

  Limpy sighed. Only one more backyard to go and they'd be safely out of the suburb. Why did Goliath have to pick now to do a bad commando impersonation?

  “We can't just leave the poor thing a prisoner,” said Charm.

  “No,” said Limpy wearily. “You're right.”

  He and Charm followed Goliath to the cage.

  “G'day,” said the bird when they got there.

  “Just act natural,” Goliath hissed at the bird. “We're gunna get you out of here. Where are the guards?”

  The bird stared at him. “Guards?” it said. Then it chuckled. “Don't be dopey. I like it here.”

  Limpy frowned in surprise.

  Goliath nearly fell over. “Like it?” he croaked.

  “I get six meals a day,” said the bird. “I've got my own mirror. And I get to fly around the living room on Sundays. What do you reckon?”

  “He's been brainwashed,” muttered Goliath to Limpy. “Military intelligence have washed his brain. And rinsed it.”

  “Goliath,” said Charm. “He's a pet.”

  Limpy realized she was right. He knew what pets were. He'd seen them on the back shelves of passing cars. Cats and dogs, mostly. They'd seemed pretty happy, judging by how often they nodded their heads.

  “A pet?” said Goliath, confused. “Not a prisoner of war? Then why's he chained to a military clothes-drying device?”

  Limpy looked pleadingly at Charm, hoping she'd do the explaining so they could leave.

  “You lot are cane toads, aren't you?” said the bird.

  Limpy nodded.

  “I'm related to you,” said the bird.

  Now it was Limpy's turn to be confused. The bird had feathers and a beak and not one visible wart.

  “I say related,” continued the bird. “What I really mean is, we come from the same place.”

  “Where's that?” asked Goliath suspiciously. “I've never seen you around the swamp.”

  “Pet shop in town,” said the bird. “The one next to the dry cleaner's. But originally my species and your species both came from the Amazon River region in a place called Brazil. Both been there since time began, apparently. A guinea pig in the pet shop told me.”

  Limpy's warts prickled with impatience. He'd heard all this before, when the old cane toads had drunk too much cockroach sherry.

  “We've got to go,” he hissed at Charm and Goliath.

  “Lovely place, the Amazon, by all accounts,” said the bird. “You know those ads for New Zealand on TV? From what I've heard, the Amazon is even better.”

  “What's so lovely about it?” said Goliath. “Have all the humans there been blown up?”

 
“Don't think so,” said the bird, giving Goliath a strange look.

  In the distance a door slammed.

  Limpy stiffened. He squinted toward the house. A human was coming down the steps from the deck, carrying a bag of nuts.

  “Ah,” said the bird. “Afternoon tea.”

  “Hop for it,” said Limpy to Charm and Goliath.

  They both hesitated. Limpy could see they were thinking about letting the human have it with their weapon of choice.

  He grabbed them and dragged them toward the flower bed, crook leg trembling with the effort.

  Finally they stopped resisting and the three of them dived under some big leaves. When they'd stopped panting, Limpy noticed Charm wasn't looking at him quite as gratefully as she usually did when he rescued her.

  “Limpy,” said Charm. “I know you want to keep me safe, and I appreciate it, but don't you think I'm getting a bit big for you to be bossing me around?”

  “Me too,” grumbled Goliath.

  Limpy didn't know what to say. Charm hadn't grown at all since she was little. Neither had Goliath's brain.

  “No offense, Limpy,” said Charm gently. “But if I'm going to be bossed around, I prefer someone a bit old and wise to do it. Someone like Aunty Pru.”

  “Me too,” said Goliath. “Except not Aunty Pru'cause she uses long words.”

  Limpy stared at Charm, thoughts racing.

  Of course. That's what we need. Someone older and wiser to give us advice on how to live in peace with humans.

  “You're a genius,” said Limpy, hugging Charm.

  “What about me?” said Goliath. “I had the idea about peeing on the pizzas.”

  They found Aunty Pru on the road leading out of the suburb. She was staring at something small and flat on the tarmac.

  “Aunty Pru,” called Limpy from the edge of the road. “Can we ask you something?”

  Aunty Pru looked up, startled. Then her face broke into a big wrinkled smile as she recognized Limpy and Charm and Goliath.

  “G'day, young uns,” she said. “Fire away, I'm all ears.”

  Goliath stared at her, looking confused.

  “No, she's not,” he whispered to Limpy. “Most of those are warts.”

  Limpy ignored Goliath.

  “Aunty Pru,” he said. “What's the best way of living in peace with humans?”

  “A way that doesn't involve going into supermarkets,” said Charm.

  “It's war, isn't it?” said Goliath.

  Aunty Pru frowned thoughtfully. “Funny you should ask,” she said. “I've just been thinking about that.”

  She stared at the tarmac again.

  For a long time.

  “When I said she uses long words,” muttered Goliath, “I really meant long pauses.”

  Finally Aunty Pru spoke again.“The thing about humans,” she said,“is they're complicated. Some creatures they like, some creatures they don't like. Dogs, for example, they like. And cats.”

  “And birds,” said Charm.

  “Some birds,” said Aunty Pru. She pointed to the tarmac at her feet.“This little bird they drove over and squashed. Come and look.”

  Charm and Goliath started to hop toward her. Limpy grabbed them. He shook his head to remind them of the rule.

  Never go onto a road unless you really have to.

  He knew Aunty Pru would be reminding them of the rule if she wasn't having such deep thoughts.

  “I don't think I'll ever understand humans,” Aunty Pru was saying as she stared down at the road.

  Limpy heard a distant roar. He looked along the road. A truck was coming.

  “Aunty Pru,” he said. “A truck's coming.”

  She didn't seem to have heard him or the truck.

  “Aunty Pru,” called Charm. “Truck approaching.”

  Aunty Pru still wasn't looking up. She was just staring at the flat bird, lost in thought.

  “Aunty Pru!” yelled Goliath. “Move your butt!”

  Limpy glanced anxiously at the truck. He saw it was a supermarket truck and it was getting close.

  “Aunty Pru!” he screamed. So did Charm.

  Limpy hopped forward to grab Aunty Pru but it was already too late. The truck was too close. Charm started to move forward and Limpy grabbed her just in time.

  The truck thundered past.

  When the dust cleared, Limpy couldn't look.

  He didn't have to.

  “Aunty Pru,” wailed Charm, and collapsed into sobs.

  So did Goliath.

  Limpy and the others carried Aunty Pru home. They laid her gently down on the big leaves in the kitchen. The whole family gathered round her poor flat body.

  Limpy's warts ached with sadness.

  He was sad for Charm too. He'd never seen her so upset. He watched her stroke the tire tracks on Aunty Pru's face and kidneys and saw she was wearing the necklace Aunty Pru had given her, the one woven from spiderwebs with dried mouse eyes threaded on it.

  “Aunty Pru was so clever and wise,” sobbed Charm.“How could she have let a human drive over her?”

  Mum and Dad came over and stroked Charm's warts.

  “If I told Pru once I told her a million times,” said Dad quietly. “Have as many big philosophical thoughts as you like, I told her, but when you're on the highway, don't eat with your eyes closed.”

  “Poor old Pru,” said Mum. “I'll miss her, and that's saying something, because I've still got several hundred sisters left.”

  Goliath gave a loud sniff. “We could have saved her,” he mumbled miserably. “We could have bashed that truck with big sticks and made it swerve off the highway and explode before it reached Aunty Pru.”

  Limpy nodded. He didn't agree with the exploding truck stuff, but he agreed with Goliath's basic point.

  They could have saved Aunty Pru.

  If we'd managed to make friends with humans, thought Limpy, Aunty Pru needn't have died. If the truck driver had been our friend, he wouldn't have swerved at the last second and purposely flattened her.

  Thinking about it made Limpy's head hurt, so he concentrated on trying to make Charm feel better.

  He gave his sister a hug, careful not to squash Aunty Pru's necklace.

  “Aunty Pru was very special,” said Limpy. “She deserves to be laid to rest in a very special place. At the top of the pile.”

  “You'll be lucky,” said Mum. “You'd need a crowbar to get another dead relative into that room of yours.”

  “Thanks, Limpy,” said Charm in a trembling voice.“But if it's OK, I'd like Aunty Pru in my room.”

  “Oh, no,” sighed Mum to Dad. “Now she's starting.”

  Charm gazed at Aunty Pru again.

  “She taught me so many wonderful things,” said Charm. “She taught me about the stars and the seasons and nature and everything.”

  “And humans,” said Goliath. “She taught me not to try and eat them.”

  “And she taught us something else,” said Limpy.“She taught us never to give up, even when a problem seems so huge you just want to crawl into the swamp and put your head under the mud.”

  “I always want to do that,” said Goliath.

  “If Aunty Pru was still alive,” said Limpy, “she wouldn't want us to stop trying to be friends with humans.”

  “Or trying to kill them,” said Goliath.

  Limpy realized Charm was staring at him, her eyes gleaming brighter than the mouse eyes on her necklace.

  “You're right, Limpy,” said Charm. “Aunty Pru was the wisest aunty in the whole swamp. In fact, I reckon she was the wisest aunty in the whole world, with the possible exception of some of our rellies in the Amazon. They must be very wise if they've survived there since time began.”

  Limpy stared back at Charm.

  What he'd said in the human flower bed was right.

  Charm was a genius.

  Here she was, pale with shock and grief, and she'd still managed to give him the idea that was going to save them all.

  “E
xcuse me,” said Limpy to the birds pecking in the mud at the far end of the swamp.“Are you migratory?”

  The largest bird stared at Limpy.

  “Who wants to know?” it said.

  Limpy tried not to look desperate. It wasn't easy. He'd been searching everywhere for the birds Charm had told him about in the supermarket. The ones from a long way away who migrated to the swamp each year. So far he hadn't been able to find a single one.

  “Me,” said Limpy. “I want to know.”

  He tried to keep his throat sac tucked neatly under his chin so he'd look polite and well brought up. Mum always reckoned a floppy throat sac looked awful. Worse than flies with their flies undone.

  The bird didn't say anything.

  Limpy pressed on. “I'm trying to find someone who's been to the Amazon,” he said. “Have you been to the Amazon?”

  “Might have,” said the bird.

  Limpy looked at the other birds. They were all staring at him expressionlessly too.

  “When you fly back to wherever you come from,” said Limpy as slowly and clearly as he could, “do you go to or near the Amazon?”

  “Might do,” said the bird.

  Suddenly Limpy couldn't stand it any longer.

  “Stack me!” he exploded. “This is ridiculous. I give up.”

  He turned to go. The birds all burst out laughing.

  “Don't mind him,” said another bird to Limpy.“He's just tugging your tail feathers.”

  Limpy stared at them, wondering if it was true that birds’ brains were smaller than their beaks.

  “Sorry,” chuckled the first bird, wiping his eyes with a wing. “It's my wicked sense of humor. Only thing that gets me through those long boring flights. Yes, we have been to the Amazon. Top place. We always drop in there for lunch when we're passing.”

  Limpy felt like doing cartwheels around the swamp. He controlled himself, except for his mucus, which wobbled with excitement.

  “Are you going near the Amazon any time in the near future?” he asked.

  “Might be,” said the bird.

  The other birds all tried to stifle their laughter. One of them swiped the first bird round the head.

  “Who wants to know?” chuckled the first bird.

  Limpy struggled to stay calm. This was too important to lose your temper over and try to eat birds that were much too big to fit into your mouth.